


Good Enough

by Anonymous



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Crack, Crack is whack, Gift Fic, Humor, M/M, My Immortal fic references, Plot What Plot, Porn What Porn, Satire, Unintentional Cursed Child Forecasting, assistant!Eren, author!levi, snarky snark snark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 07:21:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7835383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi is the author of a popular vampire erotica series. Eren is his assistant and biggest fan, but he has a few issues with Levi’s newest work. Fandom hysteria and fanfiction catastrophe ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [m00n_un1t_luna (shulkie)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shulkie/gifts).



> I found this appalling thing as I was cleaning out my laptop for the new semester and remembered it was supposed to be a birthday gift for shulkie forever ago (thus the outdated memes). Since it’s nearly Virgo Season and Fanfiction Writer Appreciation Day I figured I might as well post it. Snarky and shady af. Based on this plot bunny: http://perksofbeingawaifu.tumblr.com/post/121285557057
> 
> If you haven't read the notorious Harry Potter fanfic "My Immortal" then you may be a little confused.

_“Boss, look out!”_

_Count Rivaille turned in time to see Perthenia dash to his side, intercepting the hurtling silver blur. The stake plunged deeply into her corpulent breasts and through her un-beating heart with a clean snick. It was a sound Rivaille would take to his grave, where he generally took his mid-morning naps. He caught Perthenia in his sculpted arms and together they sank to frigid earth of the ice cave._

_“Forgive me, my liege,” she sputtered weakly. Count Rivaille winced as she coughed blood onto his lace cravat. Fortunately, his enchanted vampire tears quickly washed the stain out. Though the droplets were trickling steadily down his sharp cheekbones, the crimson eyes from whence they flowed remained hard. He turned his murderous glare to Commander Ivan and bared his fangs._

_“I can't believe you've done this.” He called out, his voice low and furious as he held the quivering, near-dead Perthenia in his cold embrace. “Isabeau, Farleen, Aurora, and now her? Why are you so fucking obsessed with me, you shitty bag of smashed assholes?”_

_Commander Ivan’s sizable eyebrows lifted like tawny, woolly caterpillars crawling up his face. He looked down sardonically at his bloodsucking ex-fiancé and gave him a patronizing smile._

_“My darling Rivaille,” he began, his tone honeyed and smooth. “When will you realize that you belong with me? Until you come back to me, everyone you treasure will die.”_

_“Tch.” Count Rivaille wiped the grime off his silky sleeve and onto the gurgling Perthenia’s hair. “You’re such a motherfucker.”_

_A deafening cackle sliced through the chilly air. Count Rivaille looked down in surprise at the body he was cradling and saw Perthenia’s bloodied face twist into a mischievous, gleeful grin. Her features morphed, pale skin bulging and bubbling, until the creature he held was not his lovely Miss Ralstone, but a hideous and shrieking imp._

_“You’ve been Punk’d” they screeched. With a pop they disappeared out of Levi’s arms and rematerialized in the air above their heads._

_“Haxus,” Count Rivaille and Commander Ivan muttered in unison. “That's my name! Don’t wear it out!” The imp exposed their tombstone teeth in a manic grin, goggles slipping down their face. “You bad boys are boring my brains out, so I think it’s time I spice up this show-down!”_

_“Not so fast!” A new voice echoed through the cavern, booming and furious. Count Rivaille’s eyes widened in alarm and recognition._

_Haxus hooted with delight. “Ah ha! Player Three has entered the game, and just in time!”_

_Erynn, the fiery green-eyed lass from Trost High School, raced into the cavern upon a galloping buckskin stallion, followed closely behind by her stony-faced bodyguard Tucasa. Erynn leapt off her horse and faced Haxus and Commander Ivan. Her horse, who was truly the handsome, quarrelsome, and freakishly cursed Prince John in disguise, nickered in complaint. Erynn punched the horse in the face._

_“BLOOD AND GUTS!” She roared, brandishing her flaming sword._

_“This is a bad idea, Erynn.” Tucasa rumbled, her voice muffled by her muffler, which was stained red with the blood of those who dared breathe Erynn’s air._

_“Shut up, Tucasa! You’re not my dead mother! And I’m here to save Count Rivaille!” Coming out of his stupor, Count Rivaille stood abruptly. His tattered blouse floated away in the frigid wind, revealing his glittering pectorals._

_“Oi! Erynn, you shitty brat! It’s too dangerous!”_

_“I won’t leave you! I’ll destroy everything in my path to protect you!” Erynn bellowed, head-butting a stalactite to get her point across._

_The ground began to shake and its occupants fought to keep their balance. The cave’s walls began to close in on them, barring any escape. The temperature plummeted._

_“What are you up to, Haxus?” Commander Ivan shouted, his brawny and shivering arms wrapping around himself. “What sort of dastardly sex scheme have you cooked up this time?”_

_The imp guffawed. “For the next twelve hours, the five of you must either survive hypothermic temperatures or else freeze to your deaths!”_

_“And how do we do that?” Count Rivaille inquired morosely, though he had a pretty good idea already._

_Haxus beamed down at him maniacally. “You have only each other to use! It’s nakey time!”_

~~~

Eren folded the manuscript and sighed, stuffing it in his coat pocket crossly before marching up the stairs to his boss’s apartment. Like always, he dutifully scuffed the bottom of his boots on the “Check Your Privilege Here” doormat before entering.

“Levi?” he called out into the spotless studio, shrugging off his coat and storing it carefully away in the closet. “Will you please explain to me what I just fucking read?”

“Chapter Sixteen if you’re doing your job.” The response echoed from down the hall.

Entering the parlor, Eren gazed at his boss incredulously.

“Fucking _again_?”

Levi was kneeling on the still-freshly waxed parquet tiling, sleeves drawn back to his elbows, and a white bandana over his hair as he scrubbed at the floors with a solitary toothbrush.

“Eren,” he greeted. “Go water the plants on the balcony. And don’t forget to use gender neutral pronouns when you address them this time.”

“It’s a perfectly nice day.” Eren grumbled. “Why haven’t you done it?”

“Stop romanticizing the outdoors, brat. There are fucking germs out there. Now hop to it.”

Eren groaned. “Look, can we at least talk about the manuscript you sent me?” His boss looked pointedly at the watering can on the Ikea Nornäs side table. “Argh, fine!” Eren snatched the watering can before stomping to the kitchen sink. “When I accepted the position as your assistant, I didn’t think it would involve so much cleaning! This is why Petra quit, you know!”

“Oh?” Eren wasn’t fooled by Levi’s innocent look.

“Yes! And now poor _Perthenia_ is paying the price, isn’t she? Honestly, how many of your old assistants have you killed off so far in this new book? And where does ' _Erynn_ ' fit in with all this? Don’t think I don’t see what you’re doing there, by the way! Besides, how many lovers can one pansexual vampire have in a single novel anyway?”

“First of all, Count Rivaille is nebulasexual quadromantic. Fucking educate yourself, please. Second, I thought you were my ‘number one fan’?” Levi lifted a plastic gloved hand and wagged a finger at him.

“I was! I still am! But you’re resorting to the fandom’s stereotypes and not staying true to your own characters! You’ve turned Tucasa into a one-dimensional Mary Sue! And Stasha was your most interesting character and Haxus turned her into a literal potato! And does Bertie even have any lines in this book? Or does he just sweat nervously in the corner? Not to mention that literally every single romantic relationship is problematic.” Eren threw his hands up in the air. “It’s like I’m reading a terrible fanfiction! How can any of this be canon?!”

Levi stood and folded his arms. “And what the fuck do you know about writing?”

“I’m just calling it out. I’ve read crackfics written by twelve-year-olds that read better than that shit,” Eren mumbled as he turned back to the sink.

“You know, Eren…. I think you may have a point there.” Eren’s eyebrow twitched at Levi’s suddenly sly tone. What was his boss getting at…?

“I do?”

Levi strolled languorously towards his iPad resting on the counter.

“Absolutely. Well-written fanfictions just… _bring me to life_.”

Eren nearly dropped the watering can and water sloshed over the rim and into the sink. “P-pardon?”

The older man hummed and flicked his fingers casually across the tablet screen, swiping through several lines of text. “Oh, it’s just one of those ‘lemons’ I stumbled upon while perusing one of those fanworks websites. But you know all about those, don’t you?”

Eren laughed nervously but found he couldn't meet his boss's eyes. “I have no clue what you’re talking about."

Levi’s lips curled into an almost feline grin. “Or do you, _jaegerfangz666_?”

Eren screamed.

~~~

 _“Konnichiwa,"_  Levi read loudly, swiftly dodging Eren’s swiping hands. _“My name is Erin B’loodthirst Amnesia Goldfish Way and I have fiery gold eyes (that’s how I got my name) and long brunet hair with kawaii green streaks that reaches my shoulders and I’m an unbonded omega hybrid.”_ Levi looked up delightedly. “What is that, some sort of _Teen Wolf_ thing?”

Eren’s grabs grew desperate. “Just give it to me!”

Levi _tsked_  and danced behind the sofa as Eren lunged again, nearly tripping over his skirt. “We’re not there yet! That’s what you say in Chapter 4, which is my personal favorite. Actually, let’s skip ahead to there now.”

“NO!”

“ _ **FLASHBCAK!**_ ” Levi crowed triumphantly. “ _‘Watashi thinks this is a bad idea,’ I murumerd shyly. ‘Shut up, Erin!’ count rivaille growled. ‘Thou belongs to me!’ he ripped himself out of his tattered jeans and green day concert shirt (a/n: shut up a lot of kewl boiz lik dat band ok!). Our tongues battled for dominance as we explored each other’s wet cavernous mouths. his weeping sperminator brushed against my cockness monster and I hissed greedily. ‘does it feel good, Erin?’ he whispered hotly in my ear. ‘Nya, desu’ i purred back. ‘I want your dickle dackle inside me, Count Rivaill-senpai!’ (a/n: stop flamming u prepz! armin have u read this yet? also u left ur eyeliner at my house again.)"_  

Eren dove for Levi’s feet, but Levi deftly twisted over the back of the sofa and sprinted through the hallway, not taking his eyes off the miniature screen.

“Oh god _—_ they’re having such a magical night! Let me guess, he just conveniently has lube hidden in his cloak pocket?” Levi laughed and scrolled down further. “Wait... _THAT'S NOT LUBE!_ DON’T PUT IT IN HIS – oh b’loody hell.”

“Levi, put it down!”

“He thrust his _oozing burrito wand_ into the other's  _delectable love taco_?”

“You know smut makes me horngry!”

Levi wheezed with laughter as he rounded back into the parlor with Eren chasing after him.

“And why on earth is he putting the vibrating thing between his teeth?”

“IT WAS A METAPHOR!” Eren snarled, lunging with hands extended like claws.

“I can’t believe you used my character like this! I, as an artist who respects creative integrity and intellectual property, am disgusted at how much you have copied me—”

“I was fifteen!”

“Do you not have ANY value or respect for originality?” Levi paused. “By the way, what’s an ‘mpreg’?”

Eren huffed a moan and bent to clutch his knees tiredly. “Please, _please_ just stop reading. I beg you.” He resignedly slumped onto the sofa and covered his face in mortification, only to peek through his hands in surprise when Levi flopped down next to him, panting and chuckling. They said nothing while they caught their breaths and Levi recovered from his hiccupping giggles. Eren tried not to focus on the uncomfortable churning in his stomach and the burning sensation at the tips of his ears when Levi finally spoke again.

“It’s actually kind of flattering.”

“What is?” Eren responded flatly, trying to school his features from knotting into a pout.

“That you were a fan even then. That you’ve stuck with the characters all these years. That my work inspired you enough to write your own story. You have potential, Eren. Even if you did write ‘defiantly’ instead of ‘definitely’ eighteen times. I counted, by the way.”

Eren blew out an annoyed sigh and stared dully at the stucco ceiling he had dusted the day before. A thought struck him suddenly and he grinned.

“Do you really mean that? Because if you do…well, I have a more recent work-in-progress that I haven’t updated in a while. It’s a wingfic soulmate AU, and Rivaille is a barista and Erin is the florist next door, and they have each other's dying words tattooed on their foreheads."

"That...sounds terrifying."

"I know. Maybe…” Eren toyed nervously with the hem of his sleeve. “Maybe you could beta for me sometime?”

Levi side-eyed him dubiously. “I really don't understand these weird animal mating references.”

Eren rolled his eyes. “I just mean look it over, yeah? Give me some feedback.”

“Oh. Sure. I don’t mind." Levi sighed. "And I think you may be right about my new book, by the way. It’s been so long since the last one. I just want to give the readers what they want. But I’ll give your words some more thought."

“Okay. And um…thanks.”

Levi nodded and they settled into quiet again. Eren couldn’t help the smile that twitched at the corners of his mouth.

“So…you really think I have potential as a writer?”

Levi smirked.

“Defiantly.”

“Oh, fuck you.”


End file.
